If ...

While I am generally loathe to answer surveys or cute questions, when the surveyor is my old friend "the girl least likely to", I'll bend the rules a little.

If I could be a justice on any one court in the world, I would preside over the court of public opinion. "Justice for all" wouldn't be a phrase reserved for the comic books anymore. I would gladly render verdicts like the following;

• "Ms. Hilton, your 15 minutes of fame were up a half hour ago, you can take your phone, your accidental videos and retire to anonymity now."
• "Major Television Networks, the reality TV idea was cute for about three months, we've all been to junior high, so we've been there, done that, worn the t-shirt, can we move along now."

If I could be a bonnie pirate, I sail alone around the world, with a dog that I would name Brandy. I would remember to bring a can opener.

If I could be a chef, I would open up a restaurant on Maui. I would serve lots of organic, locally grown food. There would be a fantastic view of the sunset over the Pacific. No one would care about the view because the food would be just that good. I would serve the freshest sushi available and the menu would change every day. If you were rude to the servers or to your dinner companions, "No sushi for you!" I would ban cell phones and every hour would be happy hour. There would also be a dock for my pirate ship.

If I could be a writer, I would write witty things in my blog. I would stay up late every night and I would sleep in every day. I would wear a natty sports coat with leather patches on the elbows. I would write clever articles for the New Yorker in between novels.

If I could be a world famous blogger, honestly you mean I'm not?

If I could be a linguist, I would be a cunning ... crap I'm forgetting to censor again. I would be as cool as my hero, Larry Wall.

If I could be a gardener ... I would be happy.

And now, who should I suggest fills this out next? I'm feeling alliterative, how about Jennie, Joel, Julie and Jan? [None of you are under any obligation. I don't usually fill these kinds of things in. I wouldn't take it personally if you didn't. In fact, you probably shouldn't. In fact, you probably should have stopped reading this a few minutes ago.]